One afternoon while driving with my mother home from soccer practice it came to me. it was so sudden and awkward for me that i found myself uncomfortable in my own skin for moments to come after that initial thought. I remember it so vividly in fact, that every time i am driving through Latham and i pass that little stoplight i get flashbacks, me caked with mud sipping on a water bottle, no older than 11, wondering to myself if i liked women.
Perhaps it was just the fact i was so young that a thought like that could bring me such a reaction, maybe i really am just not cut out to be among my lesbian sisters and one of there own, Either way i walked away from that car ride with the distinct idea in my head that I would always ALWAYS be with a male.
Perhaps it was just the fact i was so young that a thought like that could bring me such a reaction, maybe i really am just not cut out to be among my lesbian sisters and one of there own, Either way i walked away from that car ride with the distinct idea in my head that I would always ALWAYS be with a male.
cue to spring of this year, almost 10 years have passed by. By this point i have seen several men, and still not a single women, (after all i am straight right?) Chris and i are sharing embarrassing stories. i tell him about the time i caught some sort of parasite from a toilet seat while working at summer camp one day, He tells me his brother caught him with shaved legs in a pool.
I wish i didn't say what i said next, otherwise maybe my girlfriend would have been starting hormones or seeing a therapist much earlier, but it escaped me like word vomit, not one of my brightest moments.
Me: Well, as long as you aren't becoming a transsexual....right?
After such a simple sentence i stunted any sort of progress for nearly two months....Chris chose to deny deny deny, stating that he simply "identifies" with women more than men, and that it would never go any further than just "thinking" like a women. I chose to believe it, after all, i was straight and i was dating a man, and i would never date a female. 11 year old Emily told me so.
Time goes by, like i said almost 2 months, I'm sitting on a staircase, shaking while tears keep putting out the cigarette in my hand. A mutual friend accidentally spilled the beans and told me.
Me: Well, as long as you aren't becoming a transsexual....right?
After such a simple sentence i stunted any sort of progress for nearly two months....Chris chose to deny deny deny, stating that he simply "identifies" with women more than men, and that it would never go any further than just "thinking" like a women. I chose to believe it, after all, i was straight and i was dating a man, and i would never date a female. 11 year old Emily told me so.
Time goes by, like i said almost 2 months, I'm sitting on a staircase, shaking while tears keep putting out the cigarette in my hand. A mutual friend accidentally spilled the beans and told me.
Friend: So Clem and I are going to start taking Chris to LGBT club meetings, we thing it would be good for him, you do know hes been researching hormone therapy right?
No, no I didn't. I won't go too deep into how the conversation panned out between Chris and I. It was a lot of talking in circles, hyperventilated cries, and apologies. Not sure why we treated it like some sort of betrayal, after all it wasn't his fault. Needless to say, I began pondering the ultimate question to myself. One that Chris so desperately wanted the answer for but I could not give at that moment. Do I stay with him?
At first I said no, then thinking of loosing the person who got me through a bulk of my depression, my best friend, my video game partner, my cuddle buddy, and all around my other half became so stressful I spent every shower I took vomiting (the shower was my only source of privacy in a college dorm.)
Something however felt like I could not be with him, it felt as if the situation almost guaranteed disaster. In fact, the bulk of people I talked to told me I couldn't deal with something like this, because of course, I was straight.
Friend: For as long as I have known you you have always wanted that all American family, you have always wanted a male, I don't want you to get hurt and spend so much effort on something that wont work out.
Of course my friend was right, I had never thought about dating a female, and no one ever wants to get hurt, However my dad told me something one day that changed my mind indefinitely.
Dad: well do you think you could hurt worse than you do now? If you don't want to leave him then don't. It's not like he is a bad person, and no one is forcing you to leave.
Something however felt like I could not be with him, it felt as if the situation almost guaranteed disaster. In fact, the bulk of people I talked to told me I couldn't deal with something like this, because of course, I was straight.
Friend: For as long as I have known you you have always wanted that all American family, you have always wanted a male, I don't want you to get hurt and spend so much effort on something that wont work out.
Of course my friend was right, I had never thought about dating a female, and no one ever wants to get hurt, However my dad told me something one day that changed my mind indefinitely.
Dad: well do you think you could hurt worse than you do now? If you don't want to leave him then don't. It's not like he is a bad person, and no one is forcing you to leave.
So, to make a long story short, I stuck by him. I dove right into the sharks, started calling her Arie, using different pronouns, changing my whole thought process (harder than it seems by the way,) helped her buy new clothes, went to therapy appointments. Sometimes I think about what 11 year old me would of thought, then I think about how happy she would have been if she had someone, male or female, as wonderful and perfect there for her when she thought she was just an outcast. I don't think she would of minded, and I think she would of made the same decision. It was/is a matter of time and working on everything that comes with staying with a partner who is transitioning (especially if it is as drastic as mine was) sexual orientation, discrimination, and all around being the pillar for what your partner is going through, but I like to look on the lighter side....i can finally watch TLC without complaints.
